And I have never regretted that decision even once. I might add that my husband wholeheartedly approves of this, and Im sure he does the same thing when Im not around. Whatever you could do today is enough. Dumping him when it became clear hed rather boss me around than support me! The impression Im getting from your letter is your boyfriends goals are mostly about him, and making him feel good and making him look good. Your boyfriends suggestions dont sound like the ones I would give to someone struggling with depression. Obviously YMMV, but Ive added that to my ever expanding list of red flags, right after people who proudly announce that they have no filter!! Did you exercise today?Yep, it was great!What did you do?Why are you asking me? And how can we fix it? No give me your logical reasons why this is a thing that is hurtful, no I dont think youre actually hurt about this, I think its this other thing. I just sit there with a BMI of 40 and a face like this . A Kalgoorlie-Boulder woman has been fined for trying to stop police from chasing her boyfriend who had committed an office while out drinking by standing at the entrance of an alleyway he was using to run away. something her boyfriend disagrees with, he ought to say, I really disagree with that or I really dont think thats a good idea. Instead hes cutting her down and belittling her. I have an ex my friend refers to as The Physical Manifestation of MellifluousDissents (Formerly) Low Self-Esteem. I suspect this b/f may belong to that club as well. Maybe your boyfriend can learn different ways of responding to you and learn how to respect your stated wishes without requiring to justify them. Sometimes someone elses misery is beyond what you (you in general, not you in particular) can affect. There will be someone else out there who is willing to make an effort for you. From what you are saying, I sense that no matter what happens with you, he will likely always want to maintain that edge and actually doesnt have the goal of you two being on the same level. He cooks and I cook but we never leave the house. I agree with all of the above regarding logic. Thanks you! Boyfriend, I have my therapist for coaching & helping me develop. And he could never admit that it was all about him. I find that when one person is overly invested in helping someone else, its often an indicator that they have their own issues which theyre trying to feel better about. Or at least he meant something. (Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson, Illuminatus!, [possibly mis]quoted from memory., So, heres the thing about exercise and depression: everyones mileage will vary on that. ! certainly did not help with my mood issues. Which in turn meant that every time he took me to a surprise, he could justify it by saying that I always had fun so I just needed to trust him. LW, Im so sorry youre dealing with this. When your brain says ok, Im done exercising today, and instead of that being paired with anticipation of his disapproval, there is just sweet, sweet self-accepting silence. Do you want to be with someone who never likes you for you? My wife suffers from depression and anxiety which results in her not exercising, not eating right (or sometimes at all), skipping self-care, not getting out, not maintaining friendships, and a few other self-destructive issues. These are some questions many women ask themselves when they find themselves in this situation. I dont think that his intent upset or control you but a desire for you to do better born from a internal selfishness that it would make his life better or easier. After that I dated someone briefly who dismissed everything thing I pointed to as evidence of our vast incompatibility with the shibboleth that relationships take work! Yes, they do take tending and attention, but working on our relationship isnt going to fix things like your habit of borrowing money from me and never paying it back or getting angry when I need time alone. He used to love to know everything about you from the way you think and what you like your time to how it went. The first few times you resist his help, I think he is going to release the Logick Kraken, who will logically and patiently recount all of the ways that you could be better if you only tried harder. It didnt make it easy, but it helped, and it showed support. He asked why I was doing that and I said: Im afraid youll feel not depressed and Ill miss it! He startled me by laughing and assured me that when he wasnt feeling depressed that Id know it. Im sad because the person I love is sad, and I want them to be happy. Best weekend alone ever! 1) It really doesnt appear to be helping you (being berated and controlled is bad for humans) The awful thing is that our families groom us to be victims of whatever BS is their flavour of abuse, and then there we are, pre-groomed for whatever arseholes show up to take advantage. Thank you so much. Also, for what its worth, I hate the Im so logical, therefore I know everything and Im right all the time thing. But even if it comes from good intentions to fix you, its ableist and hurtful and the opposite of helpful. Maybe just focus on the making yourself happy part for now, and your partner can either help or GTFO. Really, Im sure it is for someone. He took this as a personality defect that he had to badger me into fixing. Should I dump this asshole? recently printed a letter that said Anonymous asked: Things between us are going so poorly that Im writing into a blog called Yo Should I Dump this Asshole? I focus on how each time he does so, its a good thing he is doing, and I am proud of him for it. Its hard to cuddle with someone you just arent connected to. I found it odd at first that my marriage broke up after I got to feeling better through therapy (by my measure and my therapists.) He then said that he was only trying to make her into a better person. Do you want to be like my mum, self esteem completely destroyed, fleeing an abusive 30 year relationship from someone who always thought you were not good enough? I dont even support parents doing that with kids, where a certain degree of molding is part of the role. In the latter casetry the scripts here for some firmer words of quit that already, mention that you *have* a therapist and this is their *job* and his job now is to be a listening ear and a source of happiness and relaxation, and if he still refuses to comply, dump him. He is really good with computers and accounting. I have many fond memories of him. He might also benefit from seeing a therapist or counsellor himself to get some help supporting you. I have friends who spell it shud because they think its a four-letter word. If it does happen though, most times he will cancel on short notice because something came up at work so he couldnt get out of it. Every single opportunity he gets, a controlling boyfriend will try to make you feel guilty for not toeing his line. People who base their identity around fixing you have a major investment in keeping you broken. But LW, my heart hurts for you so hard right now and I want you to know you dont have to be afraid that you wont have love if you leave this person who doesnt listen to you and constantly makes you doubt your self worth. May I just say that I love the analogy of a starter husband the one that makes you learn what to look out for next time. "I . But that doesnt sound like whats happening here. You already did the self-caring thing that you needed to do for yourself, and your instinct isnt to agree with your boyfriend about what you should do, its to stand up for yourself about whats true. On a very small and lighter note, and maybe as perspective, I think that eating whatever the heck one wants when partner is out of town is The Very Best Thing You Could Ever Do. Nothing is more guaranteed to ensure recovery than someone making you promise that youll never cut/pick/pull again, then berating you and doing the whole sadface But you pwomised! act, and acting like youd just murdered a dozen puppies. I cant leave my house very much. No amount of broccoli is going to make you a better or worse person, and they are not giving out Perfect Most Understanding Trying Hardest Enough Girlfriend awards (and even if they were, itd be a shitty reward, like a 10% off coupon to some restaurant you dont want to go to anyhow, and not a spaceship like we were promised). I said You know, a lot of the time people do what they want in the moment & dont think it through, especially when theyre having powerful emotional impulses. He was like well that way of life doesnt make sense. I saw progress though, and it made it easier to wade though until it was resolved. You can tell that he isnt as into you anymore because of the lack of physical contact between both of you. This isnt sustainable. Ive been getting that in a current relationship myself, hey I did X, yay me is almost always responded to with what about Y and Z? When youre happy and interesting, youll find yourself meeting new people and having the opportunity to explore all kinds of different relationships not just romantic ones! Yeah. Weve never reached a good resolution about this, and it keeps coming up. Remind you when I see its not done? One of our deepest needs as humans is to feel understood, and true understanding is not possible without empathy. LW, you dont need someone who will put up with you, you need and DESERVE someone who youre willing to put up with. Do not wait until the stress of dealing with him makes your fingers itch for a sharp object (or whatever). Emotions *exist* and have a massive effect on our wellbeing, emotions dont just disappear if you have assessed them and decided that logically you should not be feeling that way (at least mine sure dont! Sometimes it feels like Im absorbing the sun like a reptile or a solar panel. But let me tell you a little of my story. And I think thats something a lot of people have trouble with, especially when they have an idea of how the right way to be is (Ive noticed that people who tend to be rational often have trouble with this that other people make decisions that they would not make and other people have reasons for those decisions that are just as real as their reasons for doing something different). If you give him space, make yourself busy and happy. I dont want to read too far into this, but how is LWs boyfriend? Then, repeat what you want him to do and make the boundary plain: I hear you, but I want to be clear: I dont want you to do that anymore., Please stop correcting me and advising me., I appreciate all the help and support youve given me, but I actually need to navigate this on my own., I dont like it when you tell me what to do., The Silent Treatment is really not cool., Youre not the boss of how I eat or exercise, and I think its going to be healthier going forward if you stop monitoring that stuff and if I stop reporting it to you as if you are my nutritionist or trainer.*, I dont need you to change me or to be right about this, I just need you to love me and trust me to do the right thing for myself., I realize I was in bad shape for a while, but as I try to get better, Id like it if you would stop monitoring all these things about me and just found a way to enjoy my company., You may be right about that, but Id still like to handle this on my own without your input., I know you want to help, but I would like to set a boundary around advice-giving. He is actively undermining your success and your ability to feel safe, loved, and healthy. either way. One day, I might even believe it. Make sure that the issues you address in your list are really what is bothering you. Youre seeing a therapist, and making strides, youre clearly doing exercise and stuff. He Stopped Calling. Is your boyfriend offering to engage in these wonderful, healthy activities with you? Thank-you for this comment. Listen to his response and try to . Replace depression with cancer, and see what Im talking about. I suppose you could try announcing that youre going to change him into someone who doesnt do things he has specifically and repeatedly been told to stop doing, in his intimate relationships, even if you have to drag him kicking and screaming into The Land Of Getting Hip, but honestly, that comment above is an infinitely bigger red flag than any number of questions about your broccoli intake. 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